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Photo Essays : Siblings (by Cari Crosby) Sibling Relationships in Social Context Siblings are an integral part of our lives, especially as children. The relationship between siblings is one that has not been studied a great deal, though there is a fair amount of research on how birth order effects the social and psychological development of individuals. This photographic essay explores just one family, and the relationship that the siblings within held throughout their early lives. Recognizing that sibling relationships have changed greatly throughout time, this is an example of just one sibling relationship in an American home being raised in a small family in the 1980s and '90s. There are many sociological aspects that have influenced the way my brother and I interact: the time period in which we were raised, the size of the family, the parenting styles our parents have chosen, and the birth order are just a few of the influences on my family. The time period in which my brother and I were raised and the size of the family are intertwined. Family size has decreased a great deal over the years. In the 1950s the average American woman had 3.7 children over the span of her life, and by the early 1990s the figure had dropped to fewer than 2.0 children (Newman and Grauerholz, 2002). With fewer children, parents can invest more time, energy, supervision, and enrichment in each child. The economic aspect of the family is usually less strained considering there are fewer members of the family that require food, clothing, etc. The very notion of children has also changed throughout the years. In fact, the notion of childhood as a distinct phase of life didn't develop in Western culture until the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries (Newman and Grauerholz, 2002). The idea that childhood is a distinct phase of life is now accepted as the norm in most western societies. Children are no longer seen as miniature adults, little monsters, or even as simply property in the year 2002. There are many different views as to how to raise children, and what the "proper" parenting style really is. Most Americans today feel that children are innocent and precious and that their rearing should be the primary responsibility of the parents and should be centered around the child's needs (Newman and Grauerholz, 2002). American children are seen as dependent and helpless, in constant need of parental assistance early in life. My parents held this view, and my brother, Dan, and I were given individual attention primarily from our parents. Our parents were authoritative, while still remaining warm and caring to our needs. I have always felt that my brother and I fit the research about birth order nearly perfectly. First-born children tend to be more independent and have a stronger need for achievement (Eaton, Chipperfield, & Singbeil, 1989 cited in Kail). This is much like my brother in that he was known to always try to be the best--trying to become an expert at anything in which he was involved. First-born children also tend to appear as perfectionists--another aspect that Dan definitely held, but in his own weird way. If he couldn't be perfect, he would give up. By contrast, later born children are typically more popular, more socially oriented, judged to be more carefree, affectionate, and persuasive than firstborns. I was much more concerned with my friends than I was my achievement - it didn't bother me that I didn't get an "A" on a spelling test, I would rather go out and play than stay in the house and study. This gives just a bit of the influences that shape sibling relationships. Each of these shapes every child in one way or another, and Dan and I are certainly no exception. The photos that follow give a bit more insight into how our relationship has evolved through the years and how social influences have affected this natural process of growing up.
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This picture tells a lot about my relationship with my brother.
I idolize him, and he's disgusted to have me around. When
I was first brought home my brother, Dan, was only four and
a half years old. He was very excited to have a little sister.
Yet quickly he learned that this meant sharing his toys and
sharing his parents. This photograph represents a bit of his
early annoyance with having me around all of the time.
Starting right from birth, Dan was my hero. While it did take
a bit of time for him to warm up to me, he soon began to enjoy
the perks of being an older brother. I wanted to be with him
every moment and watch everything he did. Apparently, my mom
used to be able to put us both in front of the television-so
he could watch TV and so I could watch him.
This
is at a local fair that my brother and I participated in a
few times. We were entered into the Pet Parade along with
our dog Matilda who played the role of the horse in our cowboy
theme. Dan was always happy to show off both his dog and his
little sister that he had learned to appreciate.
While these were simple costumes compared to other years,
it was one of my personal favorites. I got to walk Dan as
if he were a DOG! It was one of the rare occasions I felt
in some way more powerful than him. I actually felt as if
I could boss him around a bit-I still remember telling him
to "heel" and "sit" and surprisingly he
was a very good sport about it that night. It's amazing how
well he could put up with my abuse sometimes.
This was one of the many Christmas mornings that Dan and I
would wait anxiously on the stairs to see what Santa brought.
It was a rule in our family that before we were allowed to
see our gifts, our parents would have to go and "make
sure everything was ready" after Santa's visit. Now why
I believed this, I'm still not sure, but it did seem perfectly
logical at the time. Dan was always very concerned that I
was going to discover that Santa did not exist and would always
tell me stories to assure me that he believed, knowing that
if he believed I would be sure to follow in his lead.
This is a great example of the two of us getting along. We
were great friends early in my life, and were never afraid
to show affection. I followed him along everywhere. To me
my brother could do no wrong and I would therefore never leave
him alone. Surprisingly enough, he was ok with that most of
the time. I think, at times at least, he really enjoyed being
a big brother.
This is later the same day, a family activity-making cookies!
It was a tradition for the entire family to join in to decorate
the cookies. Each of us would usually pick one cookie that
we would try to decorate better than the others-our cookie
to show off when people would visit. I always felt, as the
youngest, that mine weren't nearly as good and it became a
competition between my brother and me. My attempt at creating
a cookie that could live up to my brother's became a nearly
impossible achievement. Sibling competition started early
with us, but did not cause too many problems until I started
school.
Even when bored, we were bored together. This is one of my
favorite photographs of the two of us together-not because
it shows our closeness necessarily, but because we look so
completely miserable-and we're in Hawaii. How could we possibly
be miserable in Hawaii? This is just another example of me
following my big brother's lead.
Though I was terrified to go to school on my first day, it
was all bearable because I got my own personal guide to this
scary new big place. He was very thoughtful-carrying my clipboard
at the bus stop, sitting next to me on the bus, walking me
to class the first day (and nearly every day after for the
first few months), and making sure I got on the bus ok after
school as well. While I know he considered me a nuisance a
fair amount of the time, he was always there for me when I
needed him. However, school was a big place where the two
of us began to have twinges of resentment toward one another.
I always felt like he got more attention because he was smarter.
It seemed to me that he knew everything, while I was only
a mediocre student and even took reading readiness because
I wasn't a proficient enough reader after my first year in
school. School was just another social event for me, not something
I ever took seriously, and I felt that reflected poorly on
me since my brother was the star student. Throughout elementary,
middle and high school I always felt like I had to live up
to his precedent from awards he had won, and subjects he excelled
in. Most of the teachers I had he had also had, and they often
expected me to be like him-not an easy task. Surprisingly,
talking to him in later years, I discovered that he saw it
very differently. He felt like his accomplishments weren't
as important as they once were after I was in school as well.
To him, because I was young and cute, I got all the positive
attention. We had very stereotypical ideas of who got the
most attention: the other sibling.
Though we look perfectly happy in this picture, this was about
the time that we began to dislike each other. I became more
annoying (even I agree with this) and he became less interested
in the family, and more interested in school and friends.
I was just that pest who wanted to hang around all of the
time. We still got along pretty well at Christmas, and would
at least agree to sit next to each other long enough to smile
for the camera.
This is another example of the two of us getting along on
Christmas morning. At this point, just a year after the previously
shown Christmas, we were no longer getting along much at all.
He was nearly in high school, and began spending more and
more time in his room and away from the rest of the family.
I became less of a cute little plaything and more of an annoyance
that he could never be rid of. On Christmas morning, however,
all negativity was forgotten-we had presents to open!
There is a big jump in pictures at this point. I could not
find a single picture of my brother and me together between
December of 1989 and May of 1997. Eight years…eight years
where neither of us wanted to be in the same room which must
have made it difficult for our parents to take any photographs
of the two of us together. This was not the only reason the
photos were hard to come by, as our parents divorced in 1994.
Photographs were no longer a priority. Dan and I were very
different when our parents divorced-we hadn't talked much
before, and didn't talk much during. However, in the years
that followed, especially when he went away to college, we
became much closer. He began to reassume the big brother protector
role and stuck up for his little sister in fights with our
parents. We began to talk a lot more. When he got an apartment
of his own at school, he invited me to stay with him on weekends.
We, for the first time, became friends. It wasn't simply a
relationship based on adoration anymore, it was a relationship
based on mutual respect. While this is obviously a front-stage
posed photograph, it does reveal a bit of the back-stage as
well. We took the initiative to get these pictures taken,
as a gift to our parents. Our relationship evolved a lot over
the years-from adoration to annoyance to friends. I am now
twenty and he is twenty-five. Late last summer, he moved to
the West coast for graduate school. For the first time, we
live across the country from one another. We email each other
weekly; he even calls me for no particular reason occasionally.
I can genuinely say that we now have a healthy adult sibling
relationship.