Adjusting to a Blended Family

Photo Essays : Adjusting to a Blended Family (by Danielle Gaylord)

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Note: For my class project, I interviewed my children-members of a recently blended family. I compiled autobiographical essays for each child. The following are the stories of my oldest daughter, Stacia, and my younger daughter, Jasmine. The essays are written in their words.

The relationships among my daughters and a step-sibling has not been easy. In their original essays, Stacia and Jasmine had explored the confusion and sadness surrounding this relationship, but in this piece-out of respect for the sibling's feelings and privacy--these parts have been omitted.

While these stories reveal the perceptions and views of two children in a newly blended family, many of the experiences are likely to be shared by others. As you'll see, there is both heartache and pleasure that this combined family has experienced. Also, you'll see how the children are trying to understand their distress and eventually have come to accept these changes.

Stacia

My mom was kind of secret about her relationship with Jim at first. The first time I remember meeting Jim was when my mom told me and my sister that we were having Jim over for dinner. After that he came over sort of lot.

Eventually we started to spend time at Jim's house. I didn't really like it that much. Finally I started to get the drift that my mom and Jim were serious and I needed to get used to it. I didn't really know Jim that well, but after a while we started to talk and I started to trust and really like him. He was so good to my mom.

Things kind of went up and down from there. When it was my mom, Jasmine and me, we would have more freedom and my mom was really cool and we were like best friends. When Jim came we really didn't get to talk as much and we had more rules and things just started to change too much. My mom rented our house and we moved in to Jim's house, which only had 4 bedrooms at the time. There were 7 people living there. I got the shaft. I had to live in the TV room for almost 3 months, but it felt like 3 years. It was a little embarrassing to have friends over because I didn't have anyplace to call my own. Everyone would go into my room to watch TV. It had a door, but still.

Finally in October of 2000 we built on and I got my own room. It's larger than the one at my mom's house and I have decorated it the way I want. Mom, Jim and I shopped for a new bedroom suite and they let me pick out the one I wanted. I needed a new bed and dresser, but maybe they also did this because they felt bad that I was without my own room for awhile. That made me really happy. I feel like it's my home now.

Mom and Jim take us on one really nice vacation a year. The entire family went to Tybee Island Georgia and I feel that was our best time together. We went to the beach or in to Savannah almost every day. Things seemed pretty light and more carefree.

Sometimes I just look back at the days with the 3 girls and I miss it a lot. My mom didn't have very much money but we still had so much fun. We would eat dinner together, watch movies and just listen to music and dance around together. It was a lot of fun. Jim is a really cool guy and we basically all get along pretty well. He listens to hip music and acts like he's 20 years younger.

The first time Jim yelled at me I thought I was going to die. It was so scary because a man's voice had not been in the picture for many years.

Jim and I aren't as tight as maybe we should and could be but we both have busy schedules and it's hectic with 7 people living together and trying to get time with each other is hard.

Jasmine is my sister and I love her, but sometimes she gets on a power trip and acts hyper and annoying. Although, as Jasmine gets older, we get closer. She tells me things that I can understand more than I did when she was smaller.

Not sure where we'll all be in 10 years. I would imagine that Jasmine and Joshua and I will stay in contact wherever we are. I'll hook up with Sara and give her advise on boys or friendships and I'll see Nate on the holidays at mom and Jim's.

I'm not home very much but still my homelife is pretty good. I don't always leave because I want to but because I have soccer games and practice and I have a boyfriend.

I like to hang with mom and Jim in the front room after dinner while everyone is doing homework and that's a comforting and homey feeling. I'm looking forward to vacation again next summer with my family. Those are the times when we all spend time together somewhere other than home and we don't have to worry about home problems and we can just hang and have a good time.

Jasmine

I just turned 12 in August. I was 8 when mom and Jim started dating. When he came to our house the first time he delivered oranges from Florida and we ordered pizza. Stacia and I just sat quietly and looked at him. I didn't have very much to say, but deep inside I wondered if he would be my dad someday. He was really nice and seemed to like my mom. I didn't have a dad. I never met my dad and I have lived with my mom and sister my entire life. Mom would say that it's not easy and we can't do everything or have everything we want, but it was just the 3 of us and that was ok.

We didn't have a TV. Stacia got caught twice watching Jerry Springer after school so mom called the cable company and they shut it all down. We watched movies sometimes and now after six years later I still don't care to watch TV. We also sat on mom's bed or the couch and read and worked on homework. Mom started college and she had homework all the time.

Mom worked everyday, but was home with us at night. She bought a house and it was small, but really nice. We all had our own bedroom, but shared the bathroom. Grandma used to say that we were like sorority sisters. We had a fenced in yard and I got a puppy for my 7th birthday. That's Sydney and she's a big baby.

Mom and Jim went out on weekends and we would go to grandma and grandpa's to stay overnight. After awhile we would go over to Jim's house and have dinner or something with his family. Then sometime after that we would go on some vacations together. One of my favorite was rafting in West Virginia. I beat everyone down the rapids. It was fun and Jim's kids seem to have fun too. Things started to change and my mom seemed pretty happy.

Life now is complicated. I really wish that sometimes things could be normal again. But nothing is normal. With so many people we have to have so many rules. All this stuff about "don't use or wear something if it doesn't belong to you" stuff. We even have color coded towels and only two towels at that. We have scheduled laundry days and certain chores we each have to do. Wow!! More people, more work. Sometimes I just want to go away from everything and everyone. No one to ask me what's wrong, no one to tell me what to do. I have good friends and I talk to them a lot, mostly about other things. I don't really know of anyone that has mixed families like mine.

We all started going to this family therapy to learn how to be more of one family and not two….Mom had a hard time trying to remember that she wasn't single. She wanted to be responsible for everything that she was before. Jim would say "you have a partner now." Everyone had something to complain about. The problem was, what we were all complaining about couldn't be changed. They were married and here we all are. But it's really not bad. Once in awhile we take pizza to the park on a nice day and kick a soccer ball or throw a football around and that's fun.

I like this family because I like being a sister and not just someone that lives in this house. It's weird sometimes because I'm here all the time and Jim's kids are here off and on. Usually during the last part of the week, but not always. Mom and Jim like to have "family dinners," but usually Stacia is away at soccer or football and then when she's here, Nate is gone. Joshua is here most all the time and then sometimes Sara is here and Nate is gone. I've heard mom and Jim talk about how hard it is for his kids going back and forth so much. Sometimes they forget things at one of the houses and the parent has to go pick it up. That would make me crazy. Sara and I share a big bedroom that has a small room and a bathroom. I moved into the small room for more privacy and I like it. Mom painted it purple and put up a curtain.

I really love Jim and his kids but sometimes I don't feel like being a big family. Sometimes it's just hard because everyone feels something different every day and you can't always count on things just being exactly the same.

Jim is very good to Stacia and me and I know that we have things now that we probably wouldn't have had before. They didn't have to get married and he didn't have to ask us all to move in here. But he did and my mom is happy and that makes it easier on everyone. When she's upset, it's a bad day. Jim and mom talk and laugh a lot and I used to think that I needed to be in on everything. I have my own life now…sorta. Some things have gotten easier and some things have just plain changed. I do know a lot sure can happen in a short time.

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